Tears of Joy

I feel invincible.

Today I had the biggest laugh of my life. At least the biggest burst of laughter in 3 years. 

I have been watching the show of comedian Louis C.K., creatively called Louie, and it is amazing. It is black, dark and foremost raw humor. It is one of the best top quality comedy shows I have seen in my entire life. Maybe some will say I haven’t seen enough and haven’t listened to enough and gone back in time long enough. So lets just  … and I got a call from the boss … [ the word I was looking for was contemporary 

So back on the story, I got a little bit distracted here. 

[ some say I am egocentric and my writing reflects that. Yes. But writing from the first person point of view is the most natural of the storytelling options, including a story line about myself. / first person reference from author Patrick Rothfuss/ . And if I am writing here, I think that is okay. But maybe I should not carry this baggage to the professional aspect of my life. Just most probably maybe not advisable. ] 

So the reason was a sketch about Louie’s marriage and divorce. Not a happy subject. [ NB it was in S04E07 ] Amazing storytelling. The irony, the memory of having the last fuck/intercourse/coitus of their marriage resulting in their first daughter and they ended up having two and only finally divorcing when the second one was three. Just read that sentence again, because I am not re-writing it. And fuck Mark Twain, not really, and his theorem about not having enough time to write shortly, which is absolutely applicable here. I am writing on a whim, on the influence of an outstanding event of my life, which gave me the power to write again. So temporarily fuck Mr Twain. 

I literally held in the starting bubbles of exploding laughter in my throat and ran out of my house. On the way I dropped some of it on my unsuspecting family members, who were in different phases of unorganized sleepiness and getting to bed installations. The reason why I had to hold it back, was an already sleeping [ or at least trying ] brother of mine in the same room. So it was necessary. And they wanted an explanation, which I couldn’t care to provide and didn’t provide on my way back to my room [ which is a section of a room in between the sky [ and sand ] and ground. I had to pee, but I didn’t dare to go down again without an explanation, which was demanded. So I first thought about pissing in a bottle and then writing it down, that later I changed my mind and did go down to use the toilet. I didn’t. I wanted to be true and therefore I made it true. I created the story while it was still formidable. Amazing. The power of creation, just so you can say it did happen and it is accuracy is unquestionable. I had the proof sitting under the table in the company of two other half empty bottles. No one knows what’s really in them, when they see them on the rare occasion when I bring them down to throw them in the garbage can directly. 

Now some people will feel disgusted. And they should. 

So back again. I feel great. I am amidst the ruins of my life, which is my life so it can’t be so bad. 

And now I plan to go downtown and dance. Maybe I will. 

 


Distraction from all what matters

Why are most of our deepest desires labelled as sinful ?

If something is so deeply rooted in us how can it be wrong and bad ?

Is it that we can not guide and aim them in the correct direction or path ?

How can we live then a peaceful and fulfilled life, always longing for things said to be wrong ?

Who is the measure of all things to ascribe them as things not to be done. Committed ?

Since it is committed is it a sin, is it a crime ?

Maybe God should be the only measure, but did not he create us the way we feel ? Or someone else also has an influence on our inner self ? How can we choose ? How can we determine right from wrong ?

The feeling of being lost is unbearable. Then you must find distraction. And of course you find it.

Then all the questions will find you again. It is only a question of time and accuracy.


Troubled late nights

How may you end up in a rickshaw  in the middle of the night is no big mystery. It is only a chain of unplanned events with compelling reasons and long formed habits. You work late and say the words. You end up running like a fool and still miss the last train. Actually at mid distance you realise and accept the fact that you are not going to make it. Then it is just high speed walking.

It is way too late to get on normal, scheduled buses and too early for late night rides. So lets hope for the best and catch a bus on its way to a garage. Hop off at possible hub. But it will not work out. Scream in the night and hitch-hike. Wait for the guy to buy some tp in a huge department store. Listen to his life story. Wait till he returns and delivers the tp to his firm at 0:35 in the morning. Then lets head to downtown. Let’s agree that the work ethic is what’s missing in this country and why it is possible to just leave it all behind.

I don’t even know how it is legal years after signing a contract to add a self-arbitrary rule to it. This is what we call government and people who do not know their law and rights. Anyhow, shut all the places down after midnight. All day, everyday. I should check if its still in place. District 5 … go for it … to hell. At this point you have to think and try to remember the map and locations of possible party places. It is Hard but good background music is inspiring. Then you may ask some strangers for a piece of advice. You get it and at a whim you are sitting but still moving.

It is a Rickshaw. And music is blasting in the background. Cab drivers, nightlife party-goers and scattered thoughts accompany you on the way. You pay with your hunger, the only thing which stays with you after an empty pocket. But it totally worth it.

Then you may stay to chat with New Zealanders, Aussies and Germans. Anyway you only wanted to dance …

 

DSCF6675

 


Time zone Trickery of treats

Dear Lord, here we go again. Another year has passed. And I almost passed away. Or hoped that something like this would happen.

Instead I was not at home for 6 months. It was an experience. I went overseas to do some research.

It included extensive travelling and permanent pressure for time. It was just hectic, eventhough we had a pretty good calendar. An operating one. I should keep up with this habit.

Lately I realised that having experiences, photos, memories and stories to tell are worthless if you do not have an audience. I mean not completely worthless, because I will have them personally, but the possibility to share them is a big extra. It is a big plus. But I do not want to brag. I like to look at people at know that there is so much thing they do not know about me. Opening up is a weird thing.

I did not go to Strasbourg to the European Taize meeting. Hmmm. The next one will be in Prague, where I must go, no matter what. I want to be there. My paper based journal’s first page starts there. I had to start her as a new one, after I lost my original one in France. But this is how it goes.

I am writing again for the same reason as I did more than two years ago. The same friend and the same question. Do I write? And no, I am not good with languages. Brevity is my continuous foe. And I want to be true to Mark Twain, but no matter what it is a tough thing to be short and thoughtful.

Lately I caught up with some old friend via email. It is so strange how people come and go in one’s life. At one point I thought I will have these friends forever and some of them are gone forever. I do not even know what is up with them. And strangely I do not feel emptiness because of it. I did fill the space up with …. With what?  That is the more interesting question, isn’t it. Well, sometimes the simplest questions require the most thinking. I guess I filled it up with my research interest and work. Knowing things.

How I come up with analysing what really is going on? I do not.

I do not have the time to analyse all the events and motions going on in my life. And this is not good. I should have time for self-reflection. In the mirror of a lake, or so.

I am tired, but can not sleep. Time zones are tricky things, and when you spend way too much time in a alien zone, you will have a hard time re-adjusting to the old one. I thought I will handle it better.

No I can not. At the end, I can not trick Nature, but Nature will trick me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X_H3cIsenBQ

 

The Desert ...


Confusion of Ambivalence

Spring has come. I killed the first fly around, whom I found to fly around.

Ambivalence, what is killing me. Split mind and heart? I don’t really know.

Growing tired, empty and sour. It’s not too good to become.

Who I am? This is the always-returning questions. You would think that by now I should have figured it, but no. I’m still in search of myself. And this is not a fair thing to do in the company of somebody, who does the same thing. And you are pretending that you already found yourself. It’s just not fair. Or was it about being fair at all?

Life is not fair.

But who I am to decide such things?

I can write here all sort of creepy and ill-minded fantasies.

I feel like a person who doesn’t belong anywhere. Lost contact with its old-world, on purpose. Out of laziness? Maybe out of laziness, or maybe just because it didn’t really fit the circumstances. Did not fit the circumstances at all, that’s just about right.

But is a “just about right” enough? It is so superficial, shallow. I freakin’ hate this world. And you should ask why is that so, is it because it describes my personality so well? Or maybe because I started to believe something, which somebody else said and stated for so long and continuously? Just as well be.

Superficial, I am. In so many things.

Only thing is to be done is to change. But can I change, or more importantly do I want to?

Sorry, but I’m such an egoist, superstitious, contemptuous person (and I didn’t write ‘little shit’ because it’s enough of an insult already) Why am I writing this?

Why I’m unable to express myself clearly? It is such a good question, and as we know the question is more important than the answer, in most cases. But now the pure question is not enough. The question now only helps to articulate the problem itself. Asking the proper question is the key. So now again the question is what counts. Again.

Don’t dare to go around the problem! No more bullshitting! Who do you want to misguide? Your own self?

Just because I can write questions, formulated like someone else were asking me, doesn’t mean that it’s not me. I can ask questions from myself. And it has nothing to do with schizophrenia. In that sense everybody is so.

My mood is so depending. Changes like the wind itself.

I don’t know, but I might have given up too much of myself. But then who I am now?

And for that, once again, don’t have an answer.

Once I would have said: one of the Children of God.

But now I’m not even sure of that. No. I’m sure that the previous statement is completely correct, the only thing is that I’m bothered by my own soul. And it’s most disturbing.

I should go and seek forgiveness from my Father.

My heart clings to you, and I’m safe under your wing. I’m walking in the Valley of Death, but you are my armor. I shall fear no enemy … so I don’t. My soul can rest only at you, in your never-ceasing presence.

Thank you.

And thank you for my years, spent in your Love.

Amen.


keep in mind, that people are not God

When I shared this blog, I said that it’s not going to be abandoned. 

So what is this post is all about is keeping that promise. 

I don’t even know when was the last time I wrote here, or where did I wrote. 

Ok, I know, that I wrote into my paper-based-journal a couple of days ago. And before that only back in November. I had to realise that my current journal started a year ago. Actually now more than a year ago. 

I was on my way to Berlin and was looking for a decent notebook to write in. And I’ve found such in Prague. First time in Prague. [ I would like to return ;] 

But the story went on. And I should have been in Rome … or not, who knows. But I have to write a decent ending to my journal, on hand. At least explaining what and how happened. At least now I feel like I’m on the right track … finally.

This Christmas just came and went. Though it made me think a little bit, just a little bit. About my position. Ohh … all these blog posts are so eccentric and self-centred …. Doesn’t really matter. So this was sometimes a living hell. I had to suffer for all my past  shenanigans [ reckless or malicious behavior that causes discomfort or annoyance in other ]  Yes. I was rather reckless and careless, about the opportunity, which presented itself to me. And even though in the last months I got more and more serious and appreciative, the past still haunted and haunts me. The mistakes we make never or hardly leave us. 

God is the only entity to perform such a miracle. I mean His/Her forgiveness. 

But I have to keep in mind, that people are not God. And this is most probably all right. Though one shouldn’t expect less. 

And yes, I was listening to the album ‘Berlin Calling‘  during writing this post. When you have to get in the mood, music brings back more than the tune. It brings back places, events, situations and feelings. And that’s the reason why it’s so utterly gorgeous and damn right about it. 


Using dynamites to get through … pretty successful thing to do

I don’t like loosing. Some say that love is a losing game. I don’t intend to lose this one.

This is sure.

Duty and responsibility and personal life.

Great measure of immaturity. It just sucks, I mean being totally immature. I have to overcome this problem, otherwise I can not take responsibility for anyone, not even for somebody other/more than me.

Being honest is important, and admitting mistakes is part of being mature and adult.

I’m pretty much far from that. Plus it is extremely hard and painful. But acknowledging mistakes is part of overcoming them and being a trustworthy person. Or just a little bit more trustworthy. Credibility, this is what it’s all about. Once you play it away, totally or partly, it’s incredibly hard to gain it back, if it happens ever again.

I have many personality problem, like being lazy. Not much, but enough to most probably staying a dreamer and not a free man. I don’t know if it’s true or not, but if only the half of it is true, than it worth to give more than a thought. Shallowness. I don’t want to be shallow, but it’s not just a matter of wish, but the actions. Like I can say, that how much I love someone, if I don’t really act on it. And when I realise that, it makes me feel like a really shitty person. Trust is not worth to play with. Sorry everyone, I did this to. I try, and try harder.

And thanks to still be there … even when you only see the Moon; and not just you ….


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.