I have some doubts [yeah, the thought and the promise i made for myself that i won’t use words that i do not know, though maybe it’s just a little black out, made me think, so it popped in: doubt], yes, maybe it is a problem. So i have these doubts about my relationship. I think these are serious doubts. I don’t really know that i wish to maintain this relationship any more. After nearly [two days are missing] seven months, it’s not vivid. The first drop was that she told me that our relationship is like some bean vomited on the wall. ok, i see this metaphor and saying does not come through. So she meant that it’s fucking boring. And i think it’s not just my fault, if it is at all. Not i’m the only one in this relationship, so if she feels like this, then she has to act to change how it goes on, if she really think how it is. It hurted. i mean really. Fuck it, it drives me crazy any time i have to remember to this.
So, basically i have no clue why are we still together, i don’t know that if i do really love her, or anything.
Yeah, maybe this Facebook publishing stuff wasn’t the best idea, making it official – at least on my side that i’m in a relationship with no names. fudge. yeah, i fear that i make myself unreliable in other people’s eye. bullshit, i depend on other persons’ opinion, whatever i would say.
This is some serious issue. And i think this is why she can’t feel through in what case i am, i mean university. Yes, this is fuckin’ not high school – and i’m not saying it because i’m looking down those who are students in high-school, just this is a fact, this is a totally different surrounding system, circumstances with other priorities. whatever i do here will have reaction on my further life, yeah the capital-letter-life. The real life. if i can’t get on with my subjects i will simply end up like some fucked up person, what i do not wish. And she’s just in the tenth grade. Fuck’s sake, i see it won’t work out she possibly won’t understand the state i’m in for another three and a half freakin years. shit. i don’t know what shall i do, or not to do.
somebody told me if i freak out, the freak will come out. So maybe the solution is the following: do NOT give a single fuck about this issue …. let’s try this out. for sure
and, she told me that i do not care about her enough, yeah, btw neither she does … so it’s a tie.