Time zone Trickery of treats

Dear Lord, here we go again. Another year has passed. And I almost passed away. Or hoped that something like this would happen.

Instead I was not at home for 6 months. It was an experience. I went overseas to do some research.

It included extensive travelling and permanent pressure for time. It was just hectic, eventhough we had a pretty good calendar. An operating one. I should keep up with this habit.

Lately I realised that having experiences, photos, memories and stories to tell are worthless if you do not have an audience. I mean not completely worthless, because I will have them personally, but the possibility to share them is a big extra. It is a big plus. But I do not want to brag. I like to look at people at know that there is so much thing they do not know about me. Opening up is a weird thing.

I did not go to Strasbourg to the European Taize meeting. Hmmm. The next one will be in Prague, where I must go, no matter what. I want to be there. My paper based journal’s first page starts there. I had to start her as a new one, after I lost my original one in France. But this is how it goes.

I am writing again for the same reason as I did more than two years ago. The same friend and the same question. Do I write? And no, I am not good with languages. Brevity is my continuous foe. And I want to be true to Mark Twain, but no matter what it is a tough thing to be short and thoughtful.

Lately I caught up with some old friend via email. It is so strange how people come and go in one’s life. At one point I thought I will have these friends forever and some of them are gone forever. I do not even know what is up with them. And strangely I do not feel emptiness because of it. I did fill the space up with …. With what?  That is the more interesting question, isn’t it. Well, sometimes the simplest questions require the most thinking. I guess I filled it up with my research interest and work. Knowing things.

How I come up with analysing what really is going on? I do not.

I do not have the time to analyse all the events and motions going on in my life. And this is not good. I should have time for self-reflection. In the mirror of a lake, or so.

I am tired, but can not sleep. Time zones are tricky things, and when you spend way too much time in a alien zone, you will have a hard time re-adjusting to the old one. I thought I will handle it better.

No I can not. At the end, I can not trick Nature, but Nature will trick me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X_H3cIsenBQ

 

The Desert ...

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Confusion of Ambivalence

Spring has come. I killed the first fly around, whom I found to fly around.

Ambivalence, what is killing me. Split mind and heart? I don’t really know.

Growing tired, empty and sour. It’s not too good to become.

Who I am? This is the always-returning questions. You would think that by now I should have figured it, but no. I’m still in search of myself. And this is not a fair thing to do in the company of somebody, who does the same thing. And you are pretending that you already found yourself. It’s just not fair. Or was it about being fair at all?

Life is not fair.

But who I am to decide such things?

I can write here all sort of creepy and ill-minded fantasies.

I feel like a person who doesn’t belong anywhere. Lost contact with its old-world, on purpose. Out of laziness? Maybe out of laziness, or maybe just because it didn’t really fit the circumstances. Did not fit the circumstances at all, that’s just about right.

But is a “just about right” enough? It is so superficial, shallow. I freakin’ hate this world. And you should ask why is that so, is it because it describes my personality so well? Or maybe because I started to believe something, which somebody else said and stated for so long and continuously? Just as well be.

Superficial, I am. In so many things.

Only thing is to be done is to change. But can I change, or more importantly do I want to?

Sorry, but I’m such an egoist, superstitious, contemptuous person (and I didn’t write ‘little shit’ because it’s enough of an insult already) Why am I writing this?

Why I’m unable to express myself clearly? It is such a good question, and as we know the question is more important than the answer, in most cases. But now the pure question is not enough. The question now only helps to articulate the problem itself. Asking the proper question is the key. So now again the question is what counts. Again.

Don’t dare to go around the problem! No more bullshitting! Who do you want to misguide? Your own self?

Just because I can write questions, formulated like someone else were asking me, doesn’t mean that it’s not me. I can ask questions from myself. And it has nothing to do with schizophrenia. In that sense everybody is so.

My mood is so depending. Changes like the wind itself.

I don’t know, but I might have given up too much of myself. But then who I am now?

And for that, once again, don’t have an answer.

Once I would have said: one of the Children of God.

But now I’m not even sure of that. No. I’m sure that the previous statement is completely correct, the only thing is that I’m bothered by my own soul. And it’s most disturbing.

I should go and seek forgiveness from my Father.

My heart clings to you, and I’m safe under your wing. I’m walking in the Valley of Death, but you are my armor. I shall fear no enemy … so I don’t. My soul can rest only at you, in your never-ceasing presence.

Thank you.

And thank you for my years, spent in your Love.

Amen.


keep in mind, that people are not God

When I shared this blog, I said that it’s not going to be abandoned. 

So what is this post is all about is keeping that promise. 

I don’t even know when was the last time I wrote here, or where did I wrote. 

Ok, I know, that I wrote into my paper-based-journal a couple of days ago. And before that only back in November. I had to realise that my current journal started a year ago. Actually now more than a year ago. 

I was on my way to Berlin and was looking for a decent notebook to write in. And I’ve found such in Prague. First time in Prague. [ I would like to return ;] 

But the story went on. And I should have been in Rome … or not, who knows. But I have to write a decent ending to my journal, on hand. At least explaining what and how happened. At least now I feel like I’m on the right track … finally.

This Christmas just came and went. Though it made me think a little bit, just a little bit. About my position. Ohh … all these blog posts are so eccentric and self-centred …. Doesn’t really matter. So this was sometimes a living hell. I had to suffer for all my past  shenanigans [ reckless or malicious behavior that causes discomfort or annoyance in other ]  Yes. I was rather reckless and careless, about the opportunity, which presented itself to me. And even though in the last months I got more and more serious and appreciative, the past still haunted and haunts me. The mistakes we make never or hardly leave us. 

God is the only entity to perform such a miracle. I mean His/Her forgiveness. 

But I have to keep in mind, that people are not God. And this is most probably all right. Though one shouldn’t expect less. 

And yes, I was listening to the album ‘Berlin Calling‘  during writing this post. When you have to get in the mood, music brings back more than the tune. It brings back places, events, situations and feelings. And that’s the reason why it’s so utterly gorgeous and damn right about it. 


Using dynamites to get through … pretty successful thing to do

I don’t like loosing. Some say that love is a losing game. I don’t intend to lose this one.

This is sure.

Duty and responsibility and personal life.

Great measure of immaturity. It just sucks, I mean being totally immature. I have to overcome this problem, otherwise I can not take responsibility for anyone, not even for somebody other/more than me.

Being honest is important, and admitting mistakes is part of being mature and adult.

I’m pretty much far from that. Plus it is extremely hard and painful. But acknowledging mistakes is part of overcoming them and being a trustworthy person. Or just a little bit more trustworthy. Credibility, this is what it’s all about. Once you play it away, totally or partly, it’s incredibly hard to gain it back, if it happens ever again.

I have many personality problem, like being lazy. Not much, but enough to most probably staying a dreamer and not a free man. I don’t know if it’s true or not, but if only the half of it is true, than it worth to give more than a thought. Shallowness. I don’t want to be shallow, but it’s not just a matter of wish, but the actions. Like I can say, that how much I love someone, if I don’t really act on it. And when I realise that, it makes me feel like a really shitty person. Trust is not worth to play with. Sorry everyone, I did this to. I try, and try harder.

And thanks to still be there … even when you only see the Moon; and not just you ….


One wedding, one funeral

It happened on Saturday. My help was requested by our priest [though he is not a pastor, I like that word better]. I was his third and fourth hand. A helping hand.

I find wedding ceremonies extremely interesting and illuminating. As an altar boy/ministrant I have the honour and the privilege to see and study everybody’s face and the expressions of the emotions on them.

Lately I was present at four. And two was amazing. [I’m not saying that the other two was not good, anyway … you can not rate wedding ceremonies as goods and bad ones, but that two was outstanding] You could feel in the air, that the bride and the groom really did want it. They wanted it, not because it is a social convention, but because they can’t imagine it otherwise.

I wanted to write about weddings earlier. But I didn’t, and the Lord’s name shall be praised for it.

My opinion/attitude has changed, in about two weeks.  Lately I couldn’t imagine how could two people, who possibly do not know everything about each other, say the words. The words bounding them till eternity. How? Isn’t it a kind of irresponsible behaviour? Not just a kind of but vaguely! And sometimes I had the feeling that just in the last minutes, the whole life of the groom rolls before his eyes. And I could totally understand him. Fear, the fear from the ‘What if?’. You can’t predict what’s going to happen. There is no trial version, since it’s called: Life.

The feeling that you are with the right person is crazy, frightening and utterly liberating. It opens up new doors, which existence were hidden from me. Realising, that I can rely on somebody so immaculately … it’s awesome!

So now I think I might understand such decisions.

[ it doesn’t know that I would do it right now … it’s far from me ;]

The Door

ps. this post is a duplicate of my private journal’s entry

Mistakes and fear

Maybe I should just admit, that this is not for me. That I’m not capable of doing and tolerating this shit anymore. All the insults, all the negative feedbacks, nothing positive. In one moment I feel confident about, what I’m doing, and after my next mistake I feel and see everything more and more darker and pointless. 

And probably it’s not ok. The only thing I’m doing is what? Because I want to show him, that I can do this? Because I want to show myself, that I’m capable of doing it? Or just want to get a proof, that I can finish things?

I hate admitting failure. Is it like mistakes? i mean, a mistake is a mistake, when you can’t get over it. I shouldn’t be consistently fearing, that I will do another one, because I will, but not repeating the same shit again.

“When you make a mistake, don’t look back at it long. Take the reason of the thing into your mind and then look forward. Mistakes are lessons of wisdom. The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power.” /Hugh White

And what am I trying to escape from? She saw it in me. And I don’t know how she came to that conclusion, but it doesn’t matter either. The question is more important: What is it? Life? Responsibility? Decisions and doubts? Maybe.

Where I like to escape.


on a doorstep of new responsibilities

If I’m not going to post about this event, that my whole blogging would be useless and pointless. Though many things seems meaningless to me. But this is how it is. Yes, maybe I should/could change. But don’t know if I’m capable of it.

I’m on the doorstep of a new relationship.

And I realised, that this time I don’t have to choose. I never should have choose between friendship and relationship.

I wrote her the following: If I choose you, I don’t have to choose.  And this made me so happy, because it happened, I had this question in mind, before I met her again, in real life.

How we come so close, during several messages, and hours and hours of phone conversations, is a kind of a miracle to me. But I like it so much. I think the basis was, that both of us was sincere and totally open-minded to the other. She answered all of my questions, though she said that most of it was never told to anybody else. I felt the same way, safe and comfortable. Just on my side we had a conversation of 3 hours 46 minutes duration, and it was after we talked previously another hour. We did it for three consecutive nights. And it was amazing, I never got knew so many things about one person, over such a short period of time.

Now I feel like, my life is in her hands. And it makes me feel safe and calm. Like I have known her for a very very long time. And this is crazy, because just weeks ago, I had a meeting with a friend of my friend, and felt something similar. Though he was a man, with fixed goals and aim in his life. A man of grown.

And now I stepped into that house, passed through the doorstep.

I try to not change my attitude, be as it’s like the start. Might not do harm.

I’m happy ;]