Re-routing Darkness

I am just brooding at home. There is so much shit boiling inside me, and I have no idea how to handle it all. The whole year started pretty well, but seemingly all just went south very fucking fast. I mean my mood is just pure anger, not understanding myself, other people, who I thought were my friends, and they really are, just I don’t feel like I am part of a/the family. Also, my brother (the older one, out of the two younger ones) is a huge asshole, the way he talks to people or treats them, including myself.

I tried to grasp these issues by writing them on paper, but I guess right now that won’t cut it at all. I have just acid in my inner thoughts and also just a humungous amount of feeling of being totally lost. I have no idea what am I gonna do next. Actually, this is not true. I have a couple of ideas, but none of them seem to be real …

I guess it does not pay out to have big dreams and shit. I know it is not true, but the way to get there is just too tough sometimes, especially if you feel as if you are doing it alone. It is not fun swimming against the stream, even less fun if you think that your friends are not supportive of the whole situation.

Also, life just sometimes acts like a huge shitstorm, and when you feel up for the last couple of months, just drags you down, in a big fking way. I mean, I felt in the last couple of months as if everything was on track, I had plans to travel and how I am going to support the whole idea. Well, it got royally fucked over by some people who thought it was a great way to handle the situation to tell it to my face, just as I had no way of altering it, thanks for nothing fuckers. I think if I would have to pinpoint all my misery down to a net’s ass, this would be it. I realized this just now. Great, Fucking, Job. Morons. I think I can channel my anger in the right directions. I am not good at having or making contingency plans. Usually, Plan B is created at the exact time when Plan A crashes to the ground and burns down to nothing but hot ash.

Also, I met someone, with whom I connected really well, something that I haven’t experienced in a very long time. I mean, of course, there were other people, but this girl… It was at NYE, perfect start, it was the best party I have ever had in my city (not counting Berlin, of course) in my life, ever. And that is a big thing because I love going out to party and dance my ass off. This is something I am proud of. I even found my Techno Mom (and Dad) on that neverending day and a half. Maybe I was covering up all my need, or desire, for a real and deep connection, all along. I don’t know, but I was feeling happy and content, and seemingly everything was going my way. And then, she had to go home, back to Germany. And yes, we made plans, but at the hour of this darkness, they are all too distant to grasp. I cling my heart to them, nonetheless.

And plans. They got fucked over royally by this single act. A birthday party in March, where I wanted to invite friends and DJs from abroad, a trip all summer long… Maybe I need to cancel some of these things … I just hate canceling plans, and uncertainty. Yes, uncertainty, as I rediscovered it the other day, that is the one thing that kills me the most. And I just can’t talk about these things with many people, actually felt like for a time, none. Noone. When I wanted to share it, even the initial thoughts, they were not welcomed in the manner that I hoped, thought would happen.

Thus now, and in the last week or more, my mood and overall worldview is pure agony and depression and the constant anxiety of still trying to find a way, because I am, at the end of the day, a positive person, an optimist. Just now it is damn hard to keep up the actual burning fire inside me. I think the first time in ages I did not go to Drink n Draw, the social event of our P(a)lace, was last night.  I just did not have the power to go, instead, I watched some silly anime and then went to sleep, before my grandma would come over to sleep here. Which also made me angry, not the fact that she is coming, but no-one told me that it is happening, until my other brother told it to me, 2 hours before. The whole situation is just overwhelming. I am trying desperately to find a solution, maybe Iceland, maybe Malta, maybe staying on my ass, and owing up to the situation and telling one of the DJs that, sorry man, I got basically fucked over by this project and now I just can’t afford doing anything.


on the margin of a long night convo

I haven’t written any poem for quite a while, maybe one two months ago. But last night I got into a long music/picture/emotions/thought sharing conversation with someone I just got to know … and the result is :

skins on skin is the best thing ever
said the man on the moon
never afraid to scream to the utter space
just give me another ice cream
or a nice cream
or just someone with a nice skin
to touch
to feel
to never let go
till they freeze on the Moon …

Lyon 2011.jpgand of course she loves Lyon …



I will have to leave to find myself, so I can tell you who I really am.

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Missed Connection

I promised myself that I would write about this: not feeling a thing, but a quick reaction, a bit of a blood rush. I somehow felt this would happen, and was wondering that during my recent shopping scavenger hunts I did not run into her in the last three years or so.

But now I did. And I felt cool, with new shoes and bags … I don’t know if she noticed me, but I just pretended that I did not. Went on with my life and then turned around and stalked a bit. And then I called someone else and let the need to follow her go.

It was fun, I felt calm and ok.

Life is a bitch, then you die

Beep Beep Boop. Life is amazing ;]

A couple weeks ago I got back from Europe. It was weird, it was stressful, it was eye opening.

Someone in Canada died. She was also amazing and an eye opener for me.

Tears of Joy

I feel invincible.

Today I had the biggest laugh of my life. At least the biggest burst of laughter in 3 years. 

I have been watching the show of comedian Louis C.K., creatively called Louie, and it is amazing. It is black, dark and foremost raw humor. It is one of the best top quality comedy shows I have seen in my entire life. Maybe some will say I haven’t seen enough and haven’t listened to enough and gone back in time long enough. So lets just  … and I got a call from the boss … [ the word I was looking for was contemporary 

So back on the story, I got a little bit distracted here. 

[ some say I am egocentric and my writing reflects that. Yes. But writing from the first person point of view is the most natural of the storytelling options, including a story line about myself. / first person reference from author Patrick Rothfuss/ . And if I am writing here, I think that is okay. But maybe I should not carry this baggage to the professional aspect of my life. Just most probably maybe not advisable. ] 

So the reason was a sketch about Louie’s marriage and divorce. Not a happy subject. [ NB it was in S04E07 ] Amazing storytelling. The irony, the memory of having the last fuck/intercourse/coitus of their marriage resulting in their first daughter and they ended up having two and only finally divorcing when the second one was three. Just read that sentence again, because I am not re-writing it. And fuck Mark Twain, not really, and his theorem about not having enough time to write shortly, which is absolutely applicable here. I am writing on a whim, on the influence of an outstanding event of my life, which gave me the power to write again. So temporarily fuck Mr Twain. 

I literally held in the starting bubbles of exploding laughter in my throat and ran out of my house. On the way I dropped some of it on my unsuspecting family members, who were in different phases of unorganized sleepiness and getting to bed installations. The reason why I had to hold it back, was an already sleeping [ or at least trying ] brother of mine in the same room. So it was necessary. And they wanted an explanation, which I couldn’t care to provide and didn’t provide on my way back to my room [ which is a section of a room in between the sky [ and sand ] and ground. I had to pee, but I didn’t dare to go down again without an explanation, which was demanded. So I first thought about pissing in a bottle and then writing it down, that later I changed my mind and did go down to use the toilet. I didn’t. I wanted to be true and therefore I made it true. I created the story while it was still formidable. Amazing. The power of creation, just so you can say it did happen and it is accuracy is unquestionable. I had the proof sitting under the table in the company of two other half empty bottles. No one knows what’s really in them, when they see them on the rare occasion when I bring them down to throw them in the garbage can directly. 

Now some people will feel disgusted. And they should. 

So back again. I feel great. I am amidst the ruins of my life, which is my life so it can’t be so bad. 

And now I plan to go downtown and dance. Maybe I will. 


Distraction from all what matters

Why are most of our deepest desires labelled as sinful ?

If something is so deeply rooted in us how can it be wrong and bad ?

Is it that we can not guide and aim them in the correct direction or path ?

How can we live then a peaceful and fulfilled life, always longing for things said to be wrong ?

Who is the measure of all things to ascribe them as things not to be done. Committed ?

Since it is committed is it a sin, is it a crime ?

Maybe God should be the only measure, but did not he create us the way we feel ? Or someone else also has an influence on our inner self ? How can we choose ? How can we determine right from wrong ?

The feeling of being lost is unbearable. Then you must find distraction. And of course you find it.

Then all the questions will find you again. It is only a question of time and accuracy.