I am just brooding at home. There is so much shit boiling inside me, and I have no idea how to handle it all. The whole year started pretty well, but seemingly all just went south very
fucking fast. I mean my mood is just pure anger, not understanding myself, other people, who I thought were my friends, and they really are, just I don’t feel like I am part of a/the family. Also, my brother (the older one, out of the two younger ones) is a huge asshole, the way he talks to people or treats them, including myself.
I tried to grasp these issues by writing them on paper, but I guess right now that won’t cut it at all. I have just acid in my inner thoughts and also just a humungous amount of feeling of being totally lost. I have no idea what am I gonna do next. Actually, this is not true. I have a couple of ideas, but none of them seem to be real …
I guess it does not pay out to have big dreams and shit. I know it is not true, but the way to get there is just too tough sometimes, especially if you feel as if you are doing it alone. It is not fun swimming against the stream, even less fun if you think that your friends are not supportive of the whole situation.
Also, life just sometimes acts like a huge shitstorm, and when you feel up for the last couple of months, just drags you down, in a big fking way. I mean, I felt in the last couple of months as if everything was on track, I had plans to travel and how I am going to support the whole idea. Well, it got royally fucked over by some people who thought it was a great way to handle the situation to tell it to my face, just as I had no way of altering it, thanks for nothing fuckers. I think if I would have to pinpoint all my misery down to a net’s ass, this would be it. I realized this just now. Great, Fucking, Job. Morons. I think I can channel my anger in the right directions. I am not good at having or making contingency plans. Usually, Plan B is created at the exact time when Plan A crashes to the ground and burns down to nothing but hot ash.
Also, I met someone, with whom I connected really well, something that I haven’t experienced in a very long time. I mean, of course, there were other people, but this girl… It was at NYE, perfect start, it was the best party I have ever had in my city (not counting Berlin, of course) in my life, ever. And that is a big thing because I love going out to party and dance my ass off. This is something I am proud of. I even found my Techno Mom (and Dad) on that neverending day and a half. Maybe I was covering up all my need, or desire, for a real and deep connection, all along. I don’t know, but I was feeling happy and content, and seemingly everything was going my way. And then, she had to go home, back to Germany. And yes, we made plans, but at the hour of this darkness, they are all too distant to grasp. I cling my heart to them, nonetheless.
And plans. They got fucked over royally by this single act. A birthday party in March, where I wanted to invite friends and DJs from abroad, a trip all summer long… Maybe I need to cancel some of these things … I just hate canceling plans, and uncertainty. Yes, uncertainty, as I rediscovered it the other day, that is the one thing that kills me the most. And I just can’t talk about these things with many people, actually felt like for a time, none. Noone. When I wanted to share it, even the initial thoughts, they were not welcomed in the manner that I hoped, thought would happen.
Thus now, and in the last week or more, my mood and overall worldview is pure agony and depression and the constant anxiety of still trying to find a way, because I am, at the end of the day, a positive person, an optimist. Just now it is damn hard to keep up the actual burning fire inside me. I think the first time in ages I did not go to Drink n Draw, the social event of our P(a)lace, was last night. I just did not have the power to go, instead, I watched some silly anime and then went to sleep, before my grandma would come over to sleep here. Which also made me angry, not the fact that she is coming, but no-one told me that it is happening, until my other brother told it to me, 2 hours before. The whole situation is just overwhelming. I am trying desperately to find a solution, maybe Iceland, maybe Malta, maybe staying on my ass, and owing up to the situation and telling one of the DJs that, sorry man, I got basically fucked over by this project and now I just can’t afford doing anything.